Godliness with Contentment

Over the past week or so, I have come to the realization that I have some deep-seated anger in my life.  Several things over the course of my life haven't gone the way I wanted them to; there is nothing I can do about it and no way to get restitution.  It's completely out of my control.  So in an attempt to regain that control I tell myself it's okay and look for the silver lining, but in the deepest part of my heart I'm hurt and angry about it.  This has been going on for years and I've just now recognized it. 

God is so kind to reveal our sins to us one by one over the course of time and spare us the devastation we would feel if we had to look at all our sins at once.  He is even gentle in His attempts to make us aware of our sins.  This whole anger issue began with a lot of anxiety over school last week and a fleeting thought that maybe my overwhelming stress about school was rooted in rebellion over the thought that I shouldn't have to be in school.  As I pondered this idea, I began to recognize the voice in my heart that had been saying, "I am supposed to be married, with children, a stay-at-home homeschooling mom who doesn't have to take out the trash or figure out how to fix the TV.  I never signed up to be a single career superwoman, working full-time and working on my master's.  God, didn't you get my memo?"  Hello, Anger.  Hello, whisper of Conviction.

At church, over the past two summers I've been in Charlottesville, we have been studying Psalms - straight through, one psalm per Sunday.  Guess what the topic of this week's psalm was?  Anger!  Hello, we meet again.  God, I'm starting to get the message.  Still pondering this issue of anger, I asked a friend yesterday what a girl's supposed to do when there are things in life you don't like and there's nothing you can do about it.  When she asked what it was I don't like about my life and I named several things, I realized the root of my anger - discontentment.  Conviction number three.  And then this morning I read this devotional:

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances" (Phil. 4:11).
The Sudan sun blazed as we rode the all-terrain vehicle deeper into the dry and crackling bush.  I felt sweat stream down my back as we traveled more than 200 miles.  We were so isolated that many had never heard of Coca-Cola.  The poverty in the region was evident.  Finally, we reached our destination - a women's group of about 80.  These Sudanese women gathered weekly to learn about hygiene and to hear stories of Christ.

The women seated us at the head of the group.  A red drink made from local flowers was served.  This drink probably cost the women their entire month's worth of wages to purchase the sugar.  Yet they were happy to pool their resources for guests.

As we discussed hygiene, my friend explained the importance of cleanliness and washing one's clothes.  Many seemed perplexed by the lesson.  Finally, one of the women asked, "But what if you only have one dress to wear?"

The majority of the women spoke their agreement with this situation.  My friend told each to wash her dress out at night and then hang it to dry while she slept.  This solution brought smiles and approving nods.
I felt so convicted!  Some days, I feel like I don't have anything to wear - yet these ladies only had one choice.  In my prayer that day, I praised God for these women who truly had learned to be content in whatever circumstances they were given.  I asked God to help me be more like them - content and willing to share.

Oh, Father!  Forgive me when I am ungrateful for the circumstances You have designed for my spiritual growth.  I pray that I can truly say with Paul that I've learned to be content in all things.  For these dear ones in Sudan, I pray that You will meet their needs and give them spiritual blessing.  Amen.
(from Voices of the Faithful)

Like the prayer said, I have been ungrateful for circumstances designed for my spiritual growth; circumstances that aren't even difficult compared to some of the overwhelming hardships and persecution faced by others around the world.  Life is hard, and it's okay to admit that, but our difficulties don't change God's goodness.  I loudly proclaim His faithfulness, mercy, and kindness, as well as thankfulness for the spiritual growth He's wrought in me over the past few years, while still acknowledging that I have quite a ways to go before I will have "learned" contentment.  How interesting that "learned" is the verb associated with contentment.  It's not something we're given or something we conjure up.  We have to learn it through many lessons of discontentment.  I think I now understand more fully the meaning of this verse: "But godliness with contentment is great gain" (1 Tim. 6:6).  Godliness and contentment don't always go together, but when you have cultivated both in your life you can truly say that you have great gain.  I pray that will be true of me.