Contradictions

I had a little meltdown over Thanksgiving.  I was just feeling awkward, insignificant, misunderstood and alone.  My mom had a hard time understanding that these are legitimate feelings for me.  I think she was surprised by what seemed to her like a disconnect between what I write on my blog and the pain I was obviously feeling.  Maybe you've seen similar situations in my life and have wondered the same thing.  I'd like to try to explain.

The quick answer is one that this quote sums up well: "The longest journey a man must take is the eighteen inches from his head to his heart.”  My heart does not always listen to what my mind tells me is true, even if I am completely and utterly convinced of its truth.  Everything I write here is the truest version of me, not trying to impress anyone, just sharing what I've been thinking about and things God has taught me.  I truly am passionate about my faith and all God is doing in my life.  But just because God is doing a work doesn't mean my journey is easy.  Have you seen The Lord of the Rings?  It was clearly Frodo's destiny to carry the ring, though he was small and unadventurous and didn't even know the way to Mordor.

I think it's possible to see God working everything out for good and still be grieved that the road to glory is paved with such suffering.  Frodo didn't rejoice over the task he was called to.  In fact, he actually says that he wishes the ring had never come to him.  Sometimes I wish suffering had never come to me.  I would have been ever so content with a little family with 2.3 children, a white picket fence, and a dog named Spot.  I think C.S. Lewis would have said that I was "far too easily pleased."

God, in His kindness, has given me some suffering in this life.  I say that He is kind, even though I sometimes have to say that with tears running down my face, because in suffering God has given me an opportunity to know Him more.  Paul tells the Romans:

“We are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us…We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies” (Rom. 8:17-18, 22-23).

Grief and joy are not opposing emotions.  Admitting pain doesn't negate God's love for me or my belief in His good work on my behalf.  Some things can only be gained through pain, like the redemption Jesus bought for us on the cross.  Despite those days when life seems overwhelming, I can still trust God's promise to bring good out of my difficulties.  I grow closer to Christ by sharing in His suffering, knowing that the "joy set before [me]" - sharing in Jesus' glory - will far outweigh these "light and momentary troubles."