Downcast

I'm an introvert and a perfectionist, among other things, and in the past I've had difficulty fully expressing my thoughts and feelings.  That's a big part of the reason I challenged myself to write this blog - to "live out loud" in front of anyone who chooses to read it, allowing people to get to know me intimately.

Because of this, I feel like I have to share that I've been having a really rough time over the past couple of weeks.  The reasons for this are multi-layered, but they run the gamut from the physical to the emotional to the spiritual.  I've written numerous times about my struggle with disappointment and life not turning out like I had hoped/planned.  Yet each time I'm disappointed I return to the solid rock of promise that God has a good plan for my life.

The past two months I was beginning to see what I thought was redemption for the years I lost in my marriage/divorce.  I was finally seeing the "bright hope for tomorrow" that I had always known was coming.  I started a new Scripture memory challenge and the first verse I chose to memorize was Psalm 103:4-5: "[The Lord] redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things, so your youth is renewed like the eagle's."  I had found the "good thing" that God was providing to satisfy the desires of my heart, and all seemed awash in glorious possibility and joy.

But my bright hopes were cruelly dashed without cause or explanation.  Once again, I am left wondering what happened and how God could possibly call me to walk through such difficulty again.  It feels like more than I can bear.  My heart is broken and so I cannot rely on it to guide me through this time.  If left to its own devices, my heart would surely shake its fist at God and accuse Him of being mean-spirited or of trifling with my feelings.  My body would say, "Forget it.  I give up.  Life is just a chasing after the wind, after all."

My will alone chooses to say, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him."  What else is there to do but to ride the rocky sea of pain, knowing that God has said the boat will not capsize, but feeling every moment like I'm about to drown?  I join with the psalmist in commanding my heart: "Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."

If anyone would like to bear this burden with me, I would appreciate the lighter load.  Just keeping it real here.